.Or AM I?.

I Love this. My dear friend Krysten, talked about Fear on her lovely blog and what started out as a response to a blog post, turned into.... this.  God Loves to do his own thing sometimes.

As I grow in christ I find my fears dissipating, as in I know very matter of factly that with God on my side there is no need to fear... anything, at all. So I often find myself boasting in the strength and fearlessness of the Lord! Literally, There is nothing that scares me. My motto is "aint nothing to it but to do it" also "Que Sera, Sera". In my mind and even my heart I am assured that With God Freedom to live fearless is a sure thing, nothing actually scares me. (except spiders and breaking wind in public, but those are irrational, and downright silly)

However, I never, and I mean N E V E R  stopped to take a beat & addressed, instead of ignored, a very deep rooted fear, one that I am often afraid to even think: The fear that God isn't real. I found myself living agnostically for the majority of 2011, and even tho I was in a dark place mentally quitting on God was the best thing that ever happened to me, seemingly anyways, I'd never felt so free in my life, I can't really explain it, Except to say I grew up in a christian bubble, not because of strict parents, but I seriously believed that i lived a life honoring Christ, I would be fulfilled and all my dreams would come true, and so I lived the life of a 'good christian" and  I ended up broke, depressed, suicidal and angry. So needless to say, letting go of system of beliefs was easy and comforting. What if I was wrong to let go of that life? what if I was wrong to chase God and my dreams? I've tried everything else, and that didn't satisfy me, but neither is this life I am living now? What if I was Wrong, God isn't real and I am just deeply mentally ill?

God Delivered me from all of that. He created a new me and a new life, a new dream and a peace of mind, so how/why do i allow this fear to creep up on me? How can I allow such a though plague every good and perfect aspect of God's Character? How can I have such an irrational fear? God is Real. He is very Real and alive and on the throne.

The word of God says: To take every thought captive and MAKE it obedient to Christ.

By taking control of every thought, you build up a filter, allowing only what is true to come in and enrich your life, you get rid of fear and every other lie the devil throws your way, you grow in truth, and you allow the truth to set you free!!!!

I'm still learning this, will you join me?

.The Broken Dam.

Sometimes I cry.

By nature, I'm not a crier, for tears are weakness, also they are pointless.

but still, sometimes i cry.

I see no growth through being over emotional, and tears get you no where.

yet sometimes i cry.

Lately crying is all I do, It's like 20+ years of not crying at all has built up and the dam holding my pride in tact has broken and released a waterfall from my face to the pages of my journal where I open my soul and beg and plead with no avail for a break through, from a God that promised me so much yet I see so little.

Sometimes I cry.

Becasue when I cry, I show a side no human has ever seen. I open my true self to the God who daily proves his love for me and gave up everything including his life to save me.

When I cry I don't cut. I don't binge. I don't purge. I don't restict.

When I cry I don't doubt, and question and curse my existence.

When i cry I don't wish I was never born, nor do I plot to reverse the life I've been given.

When I cry, I dont chase money, attention, or acceptance.

Sometimes I cry, becasue when I cry I heal.

When I cry I show a side of me a human has never seen, I open my true self to the God who daily proves his love for me and gave up everything, including his life to save me.

Sometimes I cry, because even though everything isn't perfect, my salvation makes it worth it.

<3 ∞

It's 2013. Where's my flying car?

Allow me to reintroduce myself. (did you read that as jay-z, cuz that how i said it.) 14 days into the new year and this is my first post. Typical JesiRae.

Disclaimer: this post may be a little scattered.

I haven't been slacking off, I have been enthralled with community and God and life and dreams. I've been on such a discovery of self and Christ that I'm considering renaming the blog: "Diaries of the hot tranny mess that is JesiRae's tragically pitiful life". It's been a great, and overwhelmingly enlightening 14 days.

How legit is THIS? Krysten is so major! Go be her friend!

- For the past couple of weeks I have been completely immersed in 'The kite Project' hosted by the divine creature of enchantment, Miss Rae Brown.
All the chasers involved in this project have left me speechless, there are just too many feels, and not enough words. The encouragement that you guys have given me, and the encouragement you share with each other is... *sigh* All I can say is God is doing amazing things through each and every one of you. I used to have sleepless night from fear of waking up, now I have sleepless nights because I am so excited to wake up. I literally am so proud to call you guys friends[wait, we are friends right? ;)]. I am rendered speechless. I keep making futile attempts to make words. Sometimes all you need is a community. Sometimes all you need is to feel heard. Sometimes all you need is someone to believe in you. I've enjoyed every moment of chasing along side you guys in this life, I am looking foreword to worshiping our King together in the next.

- Lately, due to my own insecurities I have been feeling like the inner city black kid who gets help to live out her creative dreams from a kind hearted white lady.(isn't that the plot of freedom writers? idk. haven't seen the movie.) I am so humbled by all the help and encouragement from my dear friend Sarah, I seriously do not know how to react. Go buy Sarah's Book. If you are between the ages of 5-99 there is no reason for you not to have it. Seriously, SHe is legit and her book will change your life, or at the very least enhance it. So go get it! I'll even let you borrow my copy. Just know that it's a resource you need on your bookshelf.

- What's in store for 2013? That's what this post is supposed to be about right?
Dream it. Write it. DO IT!
God Willing, I will be introducing new facets to fun.fab.SAVED!.

• Certified Fabulous.(or maybe we'll call it 'She's Too Fab!, whad'ya think?)
• Sunday's single sentence sermons.(alliteration, ftw.)
• Theme weeks. - One week, same topic.
• The fun.fab.SAVED store.
• E-series.
• Daily Devo's.

If you haven't already,'Like' my facebook page to stay updated with all that will be happening over the next few months! It's gonna be some exciting stuff!

Tune in Wednesday for your regularly scheduled programming.
I think that's it for today.

<3 ∞,
JesiRae