The untitled Jesi Rae Project...

I don't talk about him much. or at all really. he may come up in a brief and vapid conversation but thats about it. I never talked to jesus about him either, I mean of course Jesus knows about him, but Jesus and I have never had.... That Talk.

I am partly ashamed of him, partly afraid of him and partly annoyed that whenever he comes up his predecessor  makes a rather dapper appearance in my dreams for the weeks ahead, my fear locking me in a time warp of confusion and longing because all though I have said Good bye to Mr. Colson, he still checks up on me and well.... you know how that Goes.

I just cant bring myself to talk about him, proudly and honestly.

I don't even understand the big deal. why can't people know about him? why haven't Jesus and I had this talk?  after all Jesus knows him better than I do a
so what is the big deal?

It's probably this elitist lie satan has been feeding me all my life. Telling me that if I want what everyone else wants/has then i am not special and if all these amazing people in the world want the same thing as i do, then whats so special about me that God will see fit to give it to me?

Nothing. 

and so i keep him hidden .
between the pages of my journals. and in my mind and heart , my fantasies my dreams.
I keep him hidden because if i admit he exists, that means admitting that I am just like everyone else.
That all I want to be is happy.
that all I want to do is share my life with someone.
that all I want is to be in love.
Admitting he exists means letting go forever of the elitism that gave me so much value and worth in my years prior. admitting he exists means giving the last mosal of my life to Jesus. admitting he exists means I totally surrender.

and so because he is apart of my forever. because I cant keep him hidden any longer and don't want to keep him hidden I admit he exist.
I present to you:

My Husband. That I have yet to meet.

(I didn't say "future" because he is already my husband and I am already his wife. God designed us for each other and with every step, thought action I take now will influence the wife I will be when we do meet. does that make sense?)

already I feel like I know him.
because we share a heart, a soul, and a love for top gun style hi fives.
and while I have not seen him I know he has a killer smile and warm [Green] eyes and a face radiating with light and love and life because he is saturated in and dripping with the love of Jesus.

and I don't care if I sound crazy, or lonely or desperate...... or crazy.
I am no longer ashamed of him. I am no longer scared of him.
He is mY dream, my big, huge, ultimate dream and I cannot wait until we manifest before god and his people.

xoxo