Trust your Anchor.

Yesterday started off offensively horrible.

like a murderous rage filled Jesi Rae roamed around daring someone to cross her, so she could pounce, strike, and lash out.

and it wasn't her own fault, or her own doing that made her so angry and so offended, often times its not her fault, and that fact alone makes the anger deeper and the rage hotter.

and yes, she is familiar with the old adage, "He who angers you, controls you' but for christ's sake..... someone times people just get to you and you feel feelings. She is human and she is better understanding that.

[Photo Credit: Solange Knowles via her Instagram via her 'honey our moon' *Swoon*]

After a few moment of venting, yoga and meditation of gratitude,  her day just got a little better. not necessarily as a direct result of the positive progressed action, but because life is just funny that way. This day didn't call for wallowing, and so she didn't. and just like that it moved on.

moved on to fun and friendship and peace and sanctuary and sabbath and productivity and food. It moved on to love and light and conversation and cocktails and creativity.

It moved on to assurance. to warmth. to conformation.

The day told sweet sweet Jesi Rae, that its ok. she doesn't know what she is doing and she doesn't know where she is heading and it. is. ok.

It affirmed to her, it whispered inside her busy little heart that her soul is anchored in something bigger.

these past years, of questions and tears and suicide attempts and just at the very bottom line, unadulterated misery, have created within her an anchor.

there is no more searching, there is no more wandering. there are far less questions.
there is only this moment and there is only my anchor. there is only trust.

Live in the present moment. experience is for all it has to offer.

Trust in your anchor. bask in the peace and protection it gives.

Namaste.

Better.

Be nice to people.

It doesn't cost you anything.

Speak kind words.

It doesn't cost you anything.

Social , philosophical, economical and theological constructs have us believing that because we are different we are in one way or another better than.... - this is a lie, a fabrication.

Understand my brothers and sister that we are all one. we are the same. we are all equal.

Sons and Daughters of Something bigger than ourselves.

Human Beings.

Given Life. with a charge to live it.

Our Differences are designed to enhance the experience of others. 

[not tear us apart and divine us from one another.]

[You know what it is: @thafourth. go follow]

So,

Be nice to people.

It does not cost you any one thing.

Speak kind words.

It does not cost you any one thing.

The Modest that is Hottest.

I have large breasts!

38 GGG or a 40 H to be exact.
[BTW, thats basically the same thing, but like whichever better helps you wrap your head around the reality that is my bra shopping struggle.]
they are 97% all natural, God given lady meat and like 3% weight gain/fluctuation.
I have been the black sheep of big boobs in my family my whole like and so I've had to wade through the tight, ill fitting victoria secrets bras and crew necks sweaters and button down shirts all alone, and I tell you this my friends.

It hasn't been pretty.

My pre teen and teen years were riddled with insecurity [and let's be honest that translated into a little bit of ratchet behavior]. I had no guidance and I was subscribed to a one dimensional dress code of conduct. [Read: Modest].

[Photo Cred: YogaRacheal.com || Instagram: @YogaRacheal || SHE IS FABULOUS! Donate to her GoFundMe]

It wasn't until I reached my twenties that I finally, learned my boobs[V necks are my savior.], embraced my boobs [cleavage is like oxygen for my chesticles] and have utilized e v e r y advantage they offer. [Hello Wrap dresses, you are my everything.]

I have gained an imperiable confidence in myself, as myself. and I have given myself the OK, [Despite everything i was taught] to dress and behave in a healthy and appropriate manner that allows me to be and express who I am, wholly.
from the inside out.

and that includes cleavage and short skirts.

[not at the same time. never at the same time.]

You see my fun and faaaaaaaabulous friends, you cannot define what is appropriate for some one else, based on appearance alone at least. What might be right for some, may not be right for you and vice vera. Modesty is subjective and should be taught from the inside out as opposed to a checklist of what is appropriate and what is not.

[Celfie Game too strong - @Raedeeohhead]

The human body is to be celebrated and explored. 

learned and embraced.

in it's entirety.

from the inside out.

Self Confidence.

Thats what is most appropriate.

That is the modest that is hottest.

#LifeGoals

I want to be unshakable.

not in control.

but so deep in trust, so deep in peace, so deep in contentment.

that I cannot or will not be moved.

[Follow the Photo: @thafourth]

I want life to shake me up, and like figurines in a snow globe, my soul stand firm as the snow falls all around it. 

I want to trust so deeply in my roots and in my foundation and what is greater than I, that it's not a matter of "If", in regards to my dreams, but a certain matter of 'When'. an unshakable trust.

I want to love so truly that each and every connection of my soul reincarnates a new and better version of myself with every encounter.

I want to live so fully, that I find immeasurable joy in every experience, no matter what that experience may be.

[Follow the Photo: @thafourth]

I want to be unshakeable.

not in control.

but so deep in trust, so deep in peace, so deep in contentment.

That I cannot or will not be moved.

Learning With Depression.

This past Sunday I did my laundry for the first time in a few weeks. [read a month.]

Now, I am not one of those people who has a lot of clothes so I can still survive without fresh laundry, no I am one of those people who should do laundry once a week if I want wardrobe options.

it took me so long to do laundry, because after my birthday, I hit a really low low. waves of depression and sadness and hopelessness came flooding in. drowning in the darkness, I fought the urge to live. it's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last.

[Follow the photo: instagram.com/thafourth - tell em funfabsaved sent ya!]

However this time was a little different. although I couldn't muster the energy to even get out my bed. my heart was little more hopeful and so instead of trying to drag myself out of this extremely low low, I allowed myself to wallow. instead of my mind trying to convince me that these lows that I often experience are unnatural and by extension all in my head, I allowed myself to stay in the bed for days at a time not showering or eating. instead of suppressing every urge to end it all because at the bottom line I never want to be here because i never had a say in being here, I allowed myself to cry. for no reason at all. and for every reason in the world. 

I experienced a new progression, for myself, in that I must allow the ebbs and flows of my life to occur naturally. I mustn't push against the current just to create a life I have idealized for myself. I must allow myself to feel every emotion that flows through my experience. in doing so I don't drown in what I know is natural to me. thusly understanding that the same current that dragged me in will push me out.

Will there ever be a day when I live a balanced existent where there are no low low lows? Are all my depressive triggers based on my current situation [that has actually been the same situation masked as different situation all my life]?

I do not know.

what I do know is that last night I showered, and made up my bed and got cozy in my room while dancing to Meghan trainer on repeat and it didn't take every ounce of my being to do so.

and that to me, is a step in the right direction.

until next time.

Just Pick one.

Ive been fighting this thing since I was like a freshman in high school.
I knew something was wrong with the system they were laying out for us.
I saw this 1-dimensional box they were trying to shove us in at the tender age of 14.

"pick one thing you like and make it your career."

"pick your major, and make it good"

[Read: start thinking about it now prepubesant adolescence, because the moment you turn 18 you are stuck with that decision for life."]

SN: aint it fun. being 18 is too young to drink or to get married but its old enough to vote and make major life decisions that adversely affect your entire future and the future of the world? 

Of course I didn't say anything at the time because it was only socially acceptable to go against this grain if you had a remarkable talent, mainly like singing or tangible art. and so I went through the motions almost getting consumed in appropriate societal behavior.

What I didn't fully understand or realize then, that I'm realizing know is that I don't want to be anything. I just want to be. I want to do things. a lot of things. cool things. different thing. my interests blow with the wind. and that is ok. because my goal is to simply Be.

just this morning I woke up with a theory about dreams and physical comfort levels and i became instantly and deeply interested in Sleep patters. Does that mean i want to become a Sleep Dr. of course not. i don't care that much.

[Update 3.7.15 - Photo credit || raychillster.tumblr.com || she is a fairy and I'm happy i found her.]

however what I do care about is experiences, and people and my passion is to have experience WITH people and  encourage people to HAVE experiences.

how will that translate into an avenue that enhances my life and enhances my way of living.

I can honestly say I do not know. but for today I will refuse to subscribe to the "Pick One" archetype.

I will continue to do cool things and meet cool people and live fully

fun. 

fab. 

and fearless.

Let It Be.

Go Follow The King of photography Slayage @Thafourth.]

Enter the void. release earthly tethers. become wind.

William Washington James Haynes said [Something like] that.

it's from The Last Airbender or maybe The legend o Korra. idk. I'm to that cool.

and i think it's really corny. but also quite provocative.

This crazy thing called life is probably far less complicated than we have made it with our comparisons and expectations and entitlements and materialism. 

not saying those things are inherently bad, we just have a innate tendency to misuse them and thats when things turn to poo.

We have to first handle the foundation before we can build the house, which is a concept i think is lost at an early age and that is why most millennials (20 somethings) go through deep depressive existential  crisis, because the pressure and the responsibility to be an "adult' is too much for a person, who doesn't wholly understand who they are as a human being, to handle.

so it's best that I, and I'm suggesting this to you, live intentionally in the moment. 

because only the current moment is real. 

and when you take it it for what it is. it is quite wonderful [and enlightening].

in each moment. learn who you are. love who you are. live who you are.

9 Letters that will change your life.

It's a very tough pill to swallow.

Patience, that is.

because it's only natural to think the only cure for your grieving soul is to be granted what your heart desires.

we. hate. waiting. 

we are embarrassed by asking for help.

we are pained by the word unknown.
we are anguished by the word no.

not sure if this is human nature. or western society or maybe just american mentality but we are so wrapped up in self sufficiency that I genuinely believe M O S T of our problems wouldn't even be problems if we invested in the notion of community. but thats not the point here.

[Photo Cred: YogaRacheal.com || Instagram: @YogaRacheal || SHE IS FABULOUS! Donate to her GoFundMe]

Gratitude is the point.

Just. Say. Thanks!

no matter where you are in life, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. in the moment.

and no matter if you are on the top of the world or scraping the bottle of the barrel, and you feel like you are A L W A Y S scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Gratitude.

Focus on what you have. Focus on what you like.
because that is the only combat against waiting, against patience, against pain, against Fear.

it redirects your focus. and it fills your soul with joy.

and if you ever feel like you having nothing to be grateful for mediate on this:

"what if you woke up today, with everything you said thank you for yesterday."

Keep Gratitude on your lips as patience permeates your soul.

Fart in Public.

There is something that can be said about people who are easily embarrassed.
I have learned that embarrassment, simply put, is fear or shame of being a human.

Humans, by nature are flawed and when we feel embarrassed about certain things it is only us denying our humanity.

Embarrassment, breaks down that barrier of perceived perfection. we fear people seeing us for who we really are. we fear being real and raw and honest and unfiltered, we fear that we won't be enough, and that flaw will keep us from our ultimate and so we hope to be be perceived as perfect.... without flaw. but flaws level the playing field, flaws make us equal.

and sometimes we don't like that. sometimes we DO wanna feel superior, even if its subconscious. sometimes we bask in the elitism.

but that is no way to live.

It's ok to be flawed. it's ok to make mistakes. it is ok to be equal. its okay to play on the same field. it is ok to be human.

So bask in your humanity today. bask in your flaws and imperfections and all the quirky little qualms that make you you.

and if your ever find yourself wondering, how can i get over being easily embarrassed: Fearlessly pull a wedgie out in public, because i guarantee you if you do, someone will see you and chuckle to themselves or race to twitter or a group text and have a good ol laugh at the shock that "that girl just pulled out a wedgie in front of me"

You never know how being yourself, wholly and unabashedly human, can spread a little happiness.

Sneezing on your period.

Being a person is just... *sigh*

Like, Life is really short and so you wanna do as much as you can and live it to the absolute fullest.
but at the same time
Life is really long, I am only 24 and i feel like I've been existing for 100 years. and in this long life you feel the pressure to be calculated and careful and responsible because you want to create a healthy future of yourself.

and then there are so many perceptions and experiences.
and religions and deities.
and then there is the universe and the earth.

and it's a lot.

Its a big ol' uncomfortable mess.
like sneezing [or laughing] on your period.

but ya know what!

We are here. and we are spectacular!

and so my message to myself and my message to you on this not so sunny Wednesday is to

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Get up and do Epic things!

Stop making excuses, Get up and do Epic things!

Stop being scared, Get up and do Epic things!

just..... Be Epic.

Post Birthday Depression + Suicide?

I spent my entire Birthday 'Working' on a new project, on a new dream.

and every day after that, i was far too depressed to get out of my bed. to shower. to eat. to move.

even a shower required far too much energy i just didn't have,

but then i woke up this morning and decided that the time for wallowing is done. its time to write. its time to inspire. its time to chase.

and that is how I get got.

I don't wanna write, I'm not inspired to wrote. i have nothing to write.

but I power through and write. and i wrote a lot.

However, what I write is really poor quality content, and so I say 'nope, not gonna post it'  

but then there is a tiny tiny tiny inclination that says 'post it because someone needs to read it, probably.' 

and then that tiny inclination continues by saying 'in your weakest he is strong' 

and tops me off with 'EVERYONE'S Success story starts with them powering through a low/unbelieving/uninspired moment.' 

Yet.... Here I sit. Uninspired and equally unsuccessful.

and still I press on.

because I am an addict.

of dreams. of hope. of love. of life.

I am addicted to the notion that one day, some day I will live the life i have always dreamed of. and I won't be satisfied until that reality is my reality.

and so I press on, like any addict taking it one day at a time. one step at a time. one moment at a time.

because only this moment is real, and this real moment is wonderful.