.Good Bye Mr. Colson.

I have always equated my singleness with the way I look.

I am not down on myself like I used to be, I just feel like me thinking highly of myself wasn't/isn't enough for a man to be interested in me.

Self confidence matters, but so do looks.

I have one down, still working on the other.

idk, that must sound silly.

E.IV -  thafourth

The past 10 years I have wished I were prettier and thinner so that I could finally bag Mr. Colson.  I know him, I know that I am good for him, I know that we would make a great fit. On paper we are literally a match made in heaven. If only I could make my hair different, or make my legs longer, or give myself dimples. If I just changed, we could be a thing off paper.

For as long as I can remember he is all I wanted, he is all that mattered.

I am very weary in admitting that Mr. Colson mistreated me because, I haven't been completely innocent in the whole situation. However, it's time that I nut up and just say it, aloud to the world, while I have grown and matured Mr. Colson has not; at least not when it comes to basic human decency. I have a deeply rooted love and respect for him as a person and as a man but the respect is not mutual.

I am not sure why or how he has grabbed my attention and hasn't let go since the day we met, maybe because life has been toying with my mind and creating these romantic comedy situations - throughout the praying and fasting and begging all signs point to US - these situations  keep me holding on for dear life to the idea that in the end he will grab me with those big muscular arms hold me close in a bear hug like only he can deliver and whisper into the top of my curly afro "it's you, it's always been you" I mean John James Preston traveled to Paris to tell  Carrie she was the one; he and I moved away from our mutual home to the same city at the same time and are only like 15 miles for each other…. it can happen. I want it to happen.

E.IV -  thafourth

Wait, no I don't.

I have realized, I want a greater love story than what the movies have shown me, I want a romance that will finally send Nora Roberts into retirement. I don't want a tragic, movie-esque, complicated, rom com love story. I want the pure, the real, the raw, the simple love story that I know God is writing within me(and my 'him'). I don't want anyone else's story. I want my own, that was written by the hand of God himself, exclusively for me.

That story does not star "Mr. Colson and Mistress Jesi D"

It sounds harsh to me and I still feel weird admitting it but it's the truth.

I am too good for you, Mr colson.

You do not deserve me.

I know and am confident in what God has placed inside me and I know what I am worth.

Mr. Colson wouldn't even know what to do with a queen like me.

I have been pining after a jester for far too long. "No more!" I say.

E.IV -  thafourth

Now I am not saying this to toot my own horn and fan the flames of my vanity. For I, Jesi Rae, am not worth the banana peel I must've slipped on to hit my head to make me feel like I am worth something on my own.

I have just found the courage to admit and realize that I am indeed a woman of God, a daughter of the king and that means I am something special. I am something extremely special.  I hated myself and the way I looked for so long because the guy I liked didn't nor wouldn't like me back, but more than him simply not reciprocating feelings; he didn't treat me like a human being, He treated me as though I had no worth or value.

That's not what God intended.

After all this time, It just feels Good to know my worth.
to know that I deserve more, that I deserve better.

On my journey to my really big dream knowing my worth, knowing who I am and whose I am is of the utmost importance.

So good bye to the old me, good bye to the sad desperate and lonely me, good bye to the blind and foolish hopeless romantic in me.
Good bye Mr. Colson.

.SoleMait.

A while ago my friend asked me if I believed in soul mates and if it were possible to have more than one. I said yes I believe in soul mates and no I don't believe anyone could have more than one because of Sabrina Spellman and Harvey Kinlke, Cory Matthews and Topanga Lawrence Zach morris and Kelly Kapowski. When it fits, it's perfect. Two pieces of a broken heart making one complete image of love. 

Soul mates. a mate to your soul. there can only be one.

Or so I thought.

photo credit: E.IV photography -- Instagram: @thafourth

Ever since I can remember I have always equated soul mates and even love with romantic relationships. I was(and still am) weary in expressing love to my friends because it's weird, I don't like getting too close to my friends because my bare soul is for my soul mate. No one else.

But thats just silly, There are many facets to love and for that case many facets to me as a person. So obviously there are many facets to my soul hence it is very possible to have more than one soul mate.

photo credit: E.IV photography -- Instagram: @thafourth

Ever since january 2013 I have realized how deeply connected I am to the women I call friend. There are 4 of them that fit very specific parts of my life. and 3 that I have never met in person but are making me a better woman in Christ every single day whether we talk or not.

It's absolutely absurd that at the peak of my nuptial desire God opens my eyes to a truer love than anything I have every experienced.

I love and am eternally grateful for my friends, my sisters, my soul mates .
I once thought it was possible to only have one soulmate and God blessed me with 7.

vanquish.

I have a dream, a very big dream.

I am scared to admit what it is, Well I am scared to announce it.

I've mentioned it to a couple of my friends a few times but I have never declared with the conviction of the promise of God that this thing right here is my dream.

Why?

I am scared. Duh.

I am afraid it's a stupid dream. I am afraid it's a selfish dream. I am afraid of what people will think. I am afraid that it wont happen. I am afraid that maybe God didn't promise this thing to me. I am afraid I have no idea what I am getting myself into. I am afraid because I  KNOW that I can't do this dream without God and God and I don't have the best track record of follow through.

However, Jon Acuff, charged his readers with this question: "What brings you the most joy?" and this dream that I am scared to admit is my ultimate dream is the answer.

I have a lof of dreams and passion and things I want to accomplish however, this specific dream, this one ultimate things is every passion I have wrapped into one role.

I'm not sure If I am ready to declare to my Fun.fab.SAVED friends this dream yet, maybe I will start with telling my ultimate dream to my kite chasing sister Rae.

Admitting fear is the first step do defeating fear. (is it? idk, I think I just made that up.)

I know that God did not give us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind... 

So, don't solo me guys.

What's a major fear you are facing today?

Leave a comment below so that together we can pray Power and love and a sound mind into your life.

Let's vanquish fear together(vanquish? oh boy.)

xoxo

Nudity N Stuff.

This morning, I walked past a mirror on my way to take a shower and almost fainted at what I saw. Im not sure if it's just my new found self love and confidence that has my perception skewed or if what I saw in the mirror was a true view of what reality I'm living in. Either way, my reflection of my standing full on nude in the mirror warmed my heart. Like, I never  realized how fine I am! Never once had I just felt so beautiful in my own skin. 

Sure I've lost some weight and inches and have toned up a bit, and yea Sure I could stand to loose some weight and some inches and tone up a bit, however numbers [on a scale or inside my close or one the tape measure] don't matter so much. I saw and realized for the first time ever in my life that I am indeed beautiful, just the way I am; because of whose I am. I am His and I am Loved.

This revelation was no coincidence but  divinely timed and inspired because it just so happens that I released the cover and release date of my newest Ebook today, and Body TrainED  just so happens to be about body image and self love.

Boy that Guy Jesus really is something else.

XOXO

Enjoy an Excerpt from my book - coming MONDAY. June 24, 2013:

Suddenly I didn’t care about being healthy or my birthday party or anything for that matter. No one truly cared about me or what I did as long as I was financially taking care of myself so that Is what I set out to do; Make money.

If I could get my body right I know I would get a job and/or a man so that became my primary focus, I was working out strenuously 3 times a day 6 days a week. I began eating like a bird and drinking water like a fish. It wasn’t hard to keep up these unhealthy habits undetected because during the day when I was working out no one else was home, My friend is a tiny little thing and she eats like a bird and my friends mom is very health oriented so drinks water like a fish and so my unhealthy habits blended in with their healthy habits.

Pretty soon I was down to one meal a day, 4 workouts a day, and about a gallon of water a day. I felt prettiest and happiest when I was hungry. I felt in control. The more obsessed I became with loosing weight the darker my thoughts about life became. I didn’t feel loved, wanted, purposed or called.

So I created within myself my own version of love purpose and calling.

I decided to take back my life; God wasn’t doing much for me anyways.

No regrets; Just love.

When I sat down to pen "Just Kidding, I'm a virgin" I had no idea that God was going to move in the way that he did.

 The idea was to write one of those true feelings letters that you don't send, so I could get some closure that I didn't even think I needed, but that quickly turned into an anecdote that I made a couple of dollars off of. Which has been really cool. (Hint: Buy my book)

What I didn't see coming were the many life lessons that restructuring that story would bring. also feelings, that thing brought up a whole lot of feelings. Which wasn't as cool. (Hint: Buy my book.)

I have never really believed in regrets; I've only believed in lessons. Everything you do, every choice you make happens to teach you a lesson. There is no need to mourn or lament the past, it was what you wanted at the time right? No regrets, Just lessons.

That is until recently when I came to fully understand what  a actually meant.

Because of my poor life choices described in 'Just Kidding, I'm a Virgin' there are a lot of friendships and life experiences that I missed out on. There is a large and vital part of my life that was lost and cannot be retuned; and all too late I have realized it is too late.

That in it's nature is regret; loss, sorrow and disappointment.

And that's ok.

Through the regrets have come many new understandings of what God is doing through me and through all of us.

I made lots of poor choices because I refused to wait, I got impatient, I knew enough about the situation and I moved on my own instead of allowing God to work out his perfect timing. and then things quickly got away from me...

We hear it all the time, to wait on God and some of you, I KNOW I SURE DID, always rolled my eyes because God always takes fooorrreeevvverrr, and without explanation, and lets just be real..... that is quite annoying.

However, I dare you all to look at your life, or look at mine even, and trust that waiting on God is worth it. Believe that God knows what he is doing and is not only preparing us for something better but protecting us from something worse.

In the end you will either be peacefully annoyed with God as you wait in faith for his perfect plan to come together, Or you will be sorrowfully filled with regret from your own foolishness, as you wait for Gods perfect plan to come together.

Those are your options, There is no weird third thing.

.Sweet Escape.

Since the sneak peek release of the title and cover art of my new Ebook from my 'I fail at Everything' series I have been very apprehensive to finish the book.

Mainly because there was this weird secret that wasn't really a secret looming over my head.

The book, in it's purest form, is a tale about a young girl who tried to give herself an eating disorder but quickly lost control over her bowels so she failed and never successfully contracted said ED she so desired.

The apprehension to finish the story was the realization that she, (ok, I.. the book is about me.. obvs)... I realized that I actually did give myself an eating disorder and I haven't been "treated" for it, because I haven't ever admitted to having said disorder because let's face it with all my curvaceous wonder I am still a chunk monster and people wouldn't believe or receive my experience.(oh oxygen, you could really capitalize off of this reality, also I need some because that was a major run on sentence)

How could I so passionately promote and advocate health and shed light on a part of my experience where I am only telling half the story. the good part, the funny part. the part that everyone would appreciate, the part the seems like I am baring my soul but I wouldn't have to actually bare my soul.

This Morning, I returned to the place where it all started; the cold room where the ugly dark thoughts about my body and my life first began. In a desperate and much needed attempt to get away from home for a while, I retuned to the place where I first began my downward spiral.

I like to think that God pressed the reset button and is now allowing me to gain redemption on a journey I didn't know I was traveling.

Today I learned:

Sometimes you just need to get away, because sometimes getting away will lead you home.

As for the book,  It's still happening.  It will be very raw, very real, very honest.

Jesus wouldn't have it any other way.