.Good Bye Mr. Colson.

I have always equated my singleness with the way I look.

I am not down on myself like I used to be, I just feel like me thinking highly of myself wasn't/isn't enough for a man to be interested in me.

Self confidence matters, but so do looks.

I have one down, still working on the other.

idk, that must sound silly.

E.IV -  thafourth

The past 10 years I have wished I were prettier and thinner so that I could finally bag Mr. Colson.  I know him, I know that I am good for him, I know that we would make a great fit. On paper we are literally a match made in heaven. If only I could make my hair different, or make my legs longer, or give myself dimples. If I just changed, we could be a thing off paper.

For as long as I can remember he is all I wanted, he is all that mattered.

I am very weary in admitting that Mr. Colson mistreated me because, I haven't been completely innocent in the whole situation. However, it's time that I nut up and just say it, aloud to the world, while I have grown and matured Mr. Colson has not; at least not when it comes to basic human decency. I have a deeply rooted love and respect for him as a person and as a man but the respect is not mutual.

I am not sure why or how he has grabbed my attention and hasn't let go since the day we met, maybe because life has been toying with my mind and creating these romantic comedy situations - throughout the praying and fasting and begging all signs point to US - these situations  keep me holding on for dear life to the idea that in the end he will grab me with those big muscular arms hold me close in a bear hug like only he can deliver and whisper into the top of my curly afro "it's you, it's always been you" I mean John James Preston traveled to Paris to tell  Carrie she was the one; he and I moved away from our mutual home to the same city at the same time and are only like 15 miles for each other…. it can happen. I want it to happen.

E.IV -  thafourth

Wait, no I don't.

I have realized, I want a greater love story than what the movies have shown me, I want a romance that will finally send Nora Roberts into retirement. I don't want a tragic, movie-esque, complicated, rom com love story. I want the pure, the real, the raw, the simple love story that I know God is writing within me(and my 'him'). I don't want anyone else's story. I want my own, that was written by the hand of God himself, exclusively for me.

That story does not star "Mr. Colson and Mistress Jesi D"

It sounds harsh to me and I still feel weird admitting it but it's the truth.

I am too good for you, Mr colson.

You do not deserve me.

I know and am confident in what God has placed inside me and I know what I am worth.

Mr. Colson wouldn't even know what to do with a queen like me.

I have been pining after a jester for far too long. "No more!" I say.

E.IV -  thafourth

Now I am not saying this to toot my own horn and fan the flames of my vanity. For I, Jesi Rae, am not worth the banana peel I must've slipped on to hit my head to make me feel like I am worth something on my own.

I have just found the courage to admit and realize that I am indeed a woman of God, a daughter of the king and that means I am something special. I am something extremely special.  I hated myself and the way I looked for so long because the guy I liked didn't nor wouldn't like me back, but more than him simply not reciprocating feelings; he didn't treat me like a human being, He treated me as though I had no worth or value.

That's not what God intended.

After all this time, It just feels Good to know my worth.
to know that I deserve more, that I deserve better.

On my journey to my really big dream knowing my worth, knowing who I am and whose I am is of the utmost importance.

So good bye to the old me, good bye to the sad desperate and lonely me, good bye to the blind and foolish hopeless romantic in me.
Good bye Mr. Colson.