Learning With Depression.

This past Sunday I did my laundry for the first time in a few weeks. [read a month.]

Now, I am not one of those people who has a lot of clothes so I can still survive without fresh laundry, no I am one of those people who should do laundry once a week if I want wardrobe options.

it took me so long to do laundry, because after my birthday, I hit a really low low. waves of depression and sadness and hopelessness came flooding in. drowning in the darkness, I fought the urge to live. it's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last.

[Follow the photo: instagram.com/thafourth - tell em funfabsaved sent ya!]

However this time was a little different. although I couldn't muster the energy to even get out my bed. my heart was little more hopeful and so instead of trying to drag myself out of this extremely low low, I allowed myself to wallow. instead of my mind trying to convince me that these lows that I often experience are unnatural and by extension all in my head, I allowed myself to stay in the bed for days at a time not showering or eating. instead of suppressing every urge to end it all because at the bottom line I never want to be here because i never had a say in being here, I allowed myself to cry. for no reason at all. and for every reason in the world. 

I experienced a new progression, for myself, in that I must allow the ebbs and flows of my life to occur naturally. I mustn't push against the current just to create a life I have idealized for myself. I must allow myself to feel every emotion that flows through my experience. in doing so I don't drown in what I know is natural to me. thusly understanding that the same current that dragged me in will push me out.

Will there ever be a day when I live a balanced existent where there are no low low lows? Are all my depressive triggers based on my current situation [that has actually been the same situation masked as different situation all my life]?

I do not know.

what I do know is that last night I showered, and made up my bed and got cozy in my room while dancing to Meghan trainer on repeat and it didn't take every ounce of my being to do so.

and that to me, is a step in the right direction.

until next time.