.I will wait for you there, or whatever.

I don't know if it's because the world is [supposedly] ending on friday, or God has something major planned for me soon, but life has been getting EXTRA stupid. Like, not just my life, everyone's life, is getting harder than usual.

I'm trapped. As a writer, who talks openly about faith, I feel  responsible to offer encouragement and joyous hope to ease the pain that life is so good at administering, but as a human, I want to encourage myself and everyone to just give up, because seriously, what's the point? I have yet, to have an everything worked out for my good moment, because as far as i am concerned "Good" is only the calm between storms. So, where do i get off encouraging someone to "keep the faith" when mine is hanging on my a hair? I don't wanna be cynical. I want to believe that all my misfortune is because i am a cynic so I try my hardest to be positive, and encourage others to do the same, because as a [christian] writer thats my duty right? but seriously? what's the point? because as far as I'm concerned, I literally cannot win. Call me murphy, for my law is supreme. There is no rhyme or reason to good things happening to people. It's just arbitrary strokes of luck. But if I believe that, then how can I believe that there is a supreme ruler, a God who is in control of everything? I choose to believe the former because if I rest in the latter the ugly question that seems to never be answered rears it's ugly head. "why not me?" "What am i doing wrong?" "Are you there god? it's me Jes." Because when it comes to this life, all i really want, all anyone wants, is to feel understood. To be heard. I really just want Intentional love, and if I don't feel like I'm getting that from my best friend[Jesus], then really whats the point?

All these feelings that i thought had been buried have surface, but with a twist because with all these overwhelming feelings, my heart has been crying out non stop, louder than ever before:

"Come Jesus, Come quickly."

Because more than anything I just want to see him. MY HIM. The lover of my soul, the very best friend I have ever had, I just want to look in his eyes and tell him thank you. tell him I love him. I want him to look me in my eyes and tell me he loves me. ME: The one who spends most of her life hating, doubting and questioning him. I cannot wait to feel his embrace and hear him say it, Because despite my thoughts and feelings the fact of the matter is that He loves ME and  on the other side of all these dark feelings is a big hug waiting Just for me. (and you too!)