When you want something so badly, and your pray and hope and keep your faith wrapped tightly in your hand. Sticky and wet like a small child with a fresh piece of hard candy. and like that child. no matter how gross it gets you hold on tight with all you have. anyone else know that feeling?
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And nothing happens, or nothing seems to happen. When all you have are question because God isn’t really Good with giving answers but only more questions. When the Jesus coming through-ness is so few and far between you feel foolish for beliving in the first place. When you feel like being a Christian is nothing more that conditioning mediocrity or worse.... simple brainwashing.
I have been praying and hoping for something and while I knew the possiblility of it not happening was present I certainly hoped that my new found faith in prayer and God’s heart would make this time different. Because every time I bend my knee to open my heart to a vulnerable and honest interaction with God, I hope that every time will be different, that this one time my prayer will be answered. And it never is… yet I keep going back. Why?
One thing I do know is that a week ago. A month ago and a year ago.
Shattered hope and unanswered prayers would send my head into a spiral of disbelief and confusion so deep that even Neo himself couldn't find a way out of the rabbit hole. and this time it didn't.
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So maybe that’s just it.
The growing peace in God’s will.
The growing rest in his sovereignce.
The growing faith in his heart.
The continuous growth is God's sovereignty manifested.
Maybe that is the ram in the thicket. Maybe that is whats keeping the burning bush from cathing fire. Maybe that is the fourth man in the furnace.
I think that is the point of Life itself. to grow. to chase. to not know. to never arrive but to dive deep in a mild blowing never ending adventure. because in that adventure we are ever growing. within ourselves and towards God.
xoxo
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