OMG! Cool it, It's JUST a box.

The Email came. "your Package has arrived."
A day early, I absolutely love when that happens.
I ran out to retrieve the precious treasure in nothing but my underwear and a cami.
It was 9°.
I was excited.


As I tore the box to shreds, I look over at the the cup of noodles I just made.
To eat or to try on these new clothes. oh how hard this life of mine is.(87% sarcasm. 13%sincere)
"You don't want that" She whispers as she appears frail, bony & weak atop my right shoulder.
Oh, hello old friend. Your right, I don't.
Trying on clothes it is.

Pair after pair I squeeze into various GH leggings, jeggings & undies.
They don't fit like I remember. I don't feel. cute. sexy. slim.
There is a lot of sucking, tucking and squeezing. This can't be real - Each time I look into the mirror growing more and more dissatisfied with what is looking back.

I mean, The clothes fit, and I need them [because my lord if I have to wear those ill fitting leather wash DKNY legging I might enter a convent JUST for the outfits,] but my goodness I can stand to loose 5 or 10 lbs. "or 50" she whispers. "loosing 50 won't put you at an unhealthy weight" She's right.

I look back over at the cup of noodles on my desk. That familiar comfort washed over me as my stomach grumbles. "Stop looking. Don't eat that" she says a little louder this time. "You really don't need it"

No. Not again. She is wrong. I take a swig of zinfandel. not even bothering with a cup.
I'm stronger than that.

I go to pick up my cup of noodles, prepared to take a bite.

"You go girl! Don't let that crazy broad run you" loudly proclaims her robust evil twin, as she appears atop my left shoulder. "Eat! These noodles. also there is some pizza rolls in the freezer, and while your at it. pop open the shiraz!" I look over at all the new clothes piled on top of my bed.

I take another swig of zinfandel.
didn't even put up a fight. didn't even try. not even sure I wanted to.
powerless.
I fight off the advances of one SHEdemon to succumb to the prowess of the other.

I can't help it. I indulge. Gluttonous shame washing over me bite after bite.
But I was hungry. because I hadn't eaten. well, much anyways...
...And if I were to lay it all down, it wouldn't seem like that much food.
but it was. for me.
too much.
eating so fast until I can't breath because how dare you tell me not to eat?
Who do you think you are putting the idea in my head that skinny automatically means beautiful. I'm not that person anymore. For the longest I didn't like my body because I thought a man wouldn't like my body.
How dare you?

"yea, how dare you - let the girl eat!" proudly boasts the robust to the frail.
"Just stop eating"  whispers the frail to the robust
"thin isn't beauty" retorts the robust
"Fat is ugly" says the frail a little louder gaining her strength.

Atop each shoulder they go back and forth and forth and back.

Crap, zinfandel is gone. Shiraz is heavy - it's for dinner.
who cares.
Takes a swig of shiraz.

Torn between the voices shouting at each other between my head I remember the laxatives hidden in the back off my Drawer of Important stuff.

That'll silence these incessant broads. - My Goodness.

This afternoon started off so simple. New, much needed, super cute clothes turned into an actual ordeal. - Ugh! Why is my life this way?

"Purge."
"Purge."
"Purge."
"Purge."
"Purge."

The robust and the frail, evil twins sitting atop my shoulders, are finally in agreement.
Purging means everybody wins.

Crap, No. I don't want to do that.
I don't win that way.

"oh who really cares" says the robust getting slightly annoyed "seriously, look at all the food you just ate. We both know your gonna do it Just freaking get it over with."

Contemplating what was being said to me. I remembered the workout I had this morning. the water I have been drinking instead of the alcohol that was beginning to replace my blood. The encouraging and motivating words my supremely fabulous pastors wife continuously shared across my FB feed. I thought about who I was. who I am and where I want to go.

Take a deep breath.

Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.

And just like that, they were gone.

Two evils. Sitting atop my shoulders. whispering lies into my soul, disappeared.
I know not forever. but for now. and when they come back. I will be ready.
Each time they come back I will be more and more prepared.

Fin.

Recovery is a journey and I am so grateful to God that mine is headed in the right direction.