Fun.Fab.SAVED!: A Swan song.

[The First "Brand Photo"]

I had no intention of sharing this. I planned to keep it off this pretty blog space and deep deep inside my cold tiny heart.

I had no intention of this ever being a thing, because honestly until now I didn't fully realize it was a thing.

I briefly mentioned it in a previous post, however here it is again.

I no longer identify as a christian.

and it's odd, because so much of, if not all of, everything I ever was and aspired to become was wrapped in the identity of faith. - every dream. every goal. every aspiration. every thought. every belief. every action was deeply rooted in my faith and my christianity. 

and truth be told, my future is a little cloudy without it; but it's not dark. My dreams are a little different, and I'm not sure of where I am going anymore, but I don't feel lost.

[first official Logo and banner. Thanks Jena. I love you forever wifey!]

There is not much I am sure of anymore but what I am sure of I am sure of.

and right now I am sure of one thing.

I cannot build a house on a dead foundation.

and guys let me tell you, the termites have chewed this foundation to rot.

and so I must say good bye.

I didn't think it would be a hard thing to do, but it is.

because I am saying goodbye, and not saying hello.

all my life in regards to my dreams I have always passed a baton, from one idea to the next.
and for the first time in my life I am running empty handed.

and as I run, I feel free. I feel alive. I feel love and I feel light.

and it's not a new feeling, but it's a different feeling.

[That time I wrote a book]

[and then on completely separate occasion I wrote another book]

So where does that leave me? and this blog? and..... us?

Well for me? Im still running, chasing, dreaming. as I will forever do.

this blog will remain active until nov 2015 but there will not be any more new content.

as for us...

[funfabsaved.blogspot.com - FIRST edition of the blog]

I love us. I cherish us. Us is the reason why I didn't want to make this a thing.

you made me strong. you helped me fight. you hugged me tight.

You've supported me. you've gleaned from me. you allowed me to learn from you.

You bring me so much joy.

and for everything you have done, I know I will never be able to repay. 

and I don't want to try. all I want to do in return for what you have given me is be the best verion of Jesi Rae I can possibly be. 

That will forever be my gift to you and to the world.

and that is why I must say good bye.
for now anyway.

The road is not ending though, it is just evolving.

The story not over, i'm just starting another book.

My heart isn't broken, it is strong. 

it is growing. expanding. exploding.

with love for you and excitement for my future. 

[As [fun, fab and saved] as it gets.]

and so,

To my fun and fabulous friends:

I cherish you. I will forever fondly remember this journey.

Thank You.

I Love You.

ever fun, ever fab, ever yours,

Jesi Rae

[Ryen Lynette Cooper for the real Og's]

Namaste.

[P.s: Follow me on twitter AND Instagram. *wink. hint*]

Oh My Gandhi...

I have not ever took a deeply vested interest in Mahatma Gandhi. I am fully aware of who he is, I'm just vaguely aware of what he did but somehow, my natural inclination is to quote him without my knowledge because yes, people, I am THAT insightful.

Over the past few weeks [Read: the entire year] I have immersed myself in all things William Washington James Haynes. I dove deep into the archive, unearthed some gems and have learned, studied and drowned in him. His artistry. His talent. His face. 

Those. God-Damn. Lips.

[How many times can I say things like “i wanna kiss him so badly on the mouth” & "enter me." before its considered harassment?] 

[Photo Cred: YogaRacheal.com || Instagram: @YogaRacheal || SHE IS FABULOUS! She is my Queen! Donate to her GoFundMe] [Enhance your body, enhance your mind.]

A significant part of Haynes life has been influenced by Mahatma Gandhi; From his politics, to his nose. Haynes does not shy away from exhorting his appreciation for this good man's legacy. Yet, throughout the corridors of his platforms you can hear the echo of 7 people. I don't know why it is only seven, but there are always 7 people. Probably the same 7 people that like to ‘remind’ Haynes that Gandhi was a racist, and teaching James Tiberius Haynes to hold him in such a high regard would be foolish; also Martin King was a communist for Soviet Russia. - Ok, not actually the last part but that is something I imagine The Big Seven would say.

It made me wonder though, WAS Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi ‘a racist, fascist, Hitler loving Perv’? 

[that is literally the title of an article I just read]

Then I pondered on why it even mattered.

Why is it so important for these character flaws to be exposed, [even] long after he has passed from this life?

Why must people be without flaw, in order to be looked up to, and/or held in high regard?

but I researched it anyway, And as one does, I went to the library.

I'm Just kidding. I can’t afford a library card.

Turns out, Mahatma Ghandi was not, after all, without flaw.

He lived as a human man for 78 years.

Yes, Gandhi did some not so nice things and said some not so nice words.

But he also did some very nice things and said some very nice words.

Which made me further wonder:

Why must we see others flaws before we grant them their humanity?

Namaste.

existential ramblings of a dead dreamer. + end of an Era.

Would I be the person I am today had my dreams come to fruition 2 years ago?

Absolutely not.

because the person I am today was born, sculpted and structured around the pain, and rejection and disappointment of my vigorously, tenacious and unfruitful dream chasing.

Is the person I am today, better that the person I once was?

It's hard to say, as i don't think i have really changed, just evolved.

its hard to say, as I'm not sure by whose standards I am living.

it's hard to say, as I'm not sure of anything anymore.

All I know is I liked me then and I like me now.

[Somewhere deep in the back woods of Alabama, lies my hope.]

Its a hard skin to shed, the one that you were born into, the one that molded who you are, created within you every though, action and desire, the one that cocooned you throughout your whole life.

as a person who was once such a devout christian, living fully and wholly in christ, having Jesus as the end all be all, it's an odd feeling to.... not anymore.

That was my identity, who I was through and through and now it is no longer me and I don't know who I am, but I know who I am not, and it is that girl. the girl I once was.

So the questions remain.

AM I better person now than I was before? by whose standards?

how many more times am I going to have to go through this?

changing. evolving. growing. shedding?

What is the end game here?

Namaste.

Everything is fluid, except your poop.

All experiences in life are fluid, they intertwine as life progresses, there are very few absolute truths.

Life as a whole is fragile, that is why holistic health is oh so important.

[Soy Candle obsession on Fleek]

When your body is out of sorts, your spirit is out of sorts and when your spirit is out of sorts, your mind is out of sorts.

So maybe you feel a little down today?

Because life isn't necessarily going your way.

Ask your self...

Do I need to poop?

Physically, you feel sluggish, and mentally you are unmotivated.

Ask your self...

Do I need to poop?

No one ever likes to talk about it, but I've lived it too many times not.

one of the simplest ways to a clear mind and wholly peaceful life is to breath intentionally, drink water and poop.

Everyday. Multiple times a day.

Namaste.

I wish my eyes could take pictures.

I wish my eyes took pictures. 

Because no apature or lenses will ever do it justice.

I wish my eyes took pictures.

So I can see the images painted in the Sky, above the clouds. Over and over again.

There is a whole other world up here and my soul is broken that, I can't live here. On the nimbus cloud. Away from the terrors that rest below. My feeble human braim cannot retain the magnitude of the glorious skies, and my heart weeps because I cannot recall the landscapes I once took in. So vididly and so recently.

I wish my eyes took pictures. 

so I can tangibly hold tightly what My soul undoubtably knows to be truth. there is something bigger out there and there is a life beyond our current. Forsaking all other details, this alone is what keeps me hopeful. This keeps my heart beating. This keeps me alive.

Namaste.

Year 24.

I have been 24 for exactly 30days.

and let me tell you this.

it feels like I have been 24 for -freaking-ever.

(at least 6 months)

and not nessicarily in a bad way. but definitely not in a pleasant way.

so much life and learning has been experienced since November the 3rd.

and yet, my life is still riddled with foggy ennui.

and while I am not certain of much, like when I will start working again? when I'll meet my male counterpart? will I ever build my micro home?

Is the south where I am destined to live?

ok, I'm not certain of anything: 

I have no clue how my life is playing forward.
as usual.

And I'm not happy about it.
Still.

What I am certain of is that my life is moving forward, and the woman that I want to be is the woman that I am becoming.

When all else fails, I know that I am becoming the person that I want to be.

And that's what my life is all about.
At least for now anyway.

Being, not doing. 

Arigato.