A page from my journal: iPad edition.

Yesterday, I made very clear my disdain for prayer. I talked about how jesus played my life, and how I allowed coincidence and fate to be my God.

You can read part 1 Here.

This past sunday God opened my eyes to my issues, all of them, so here is a page from my journal, as real and unfiltered as it gets.

Click picture to enlarge or here for plain text.

I read over this. Rolled my eyes and proceeded to watch 30Rock on Netflix...
This isn't what I signed up for. I signed up for wisdom and power, and rest, and confidence and miracles, oh boy did i sign up for miracles! I didn't sign up to be completely powerless, and constantly feeling hopeless. I sure as heck didn't sign up for feeling foolish all. the. time. I despise the feeling of being so completely out of control, that I am miserable. I didn't ask to be born, I'd much rather be... not born. I have so little confidence in God but have come to realize that he literally holds my life in his hands. *sigh*

He literally holds my life in his hands. 

We hear this and say this so much that we become desensitized, to the reality of what this means. 

It hit me like a ton of cedar blocks.

I finally figured out my problem with prayer, I figured out everyone's problem with everything.

Seriously, I might have brought light to the greatest fallacy plaguing, not only our generation but the body of christ as a whole.

The end.

signed, Jesi Rae, Esquire.

Lol! Gotcha!

For the conclusion to this inadvertent series tune in monday!

Come By tomorrow for the Grand Opening of the Certified Fabulous Web Gallery, and join the party that will commence due to the gallery opening. 

Prayer, Faith, Foolishness.

A FB friend posted this the other day. 

It hit me in my core, because this is my hearts biggest problem. I never have problems believing if God can, I always doubt if he will, because he never does. And if he does, there is ALWAYS a catch.

Seriously I could go down the list of times I think God did, but there was a catch proving he really didn't.

For example: When I first discovered Jamie-Grace I became borderline obsessed(I still am, just a lil bit. lol. that girl is all kinds of amazing. HEY JG!)... So I went to iTunes, with ZERO money, said a prayer, and voila! Jamie-Grace's EP was all mine. 

In those moments of victory I scolded myself for doubting God. Money is a minor detail Jes, in the hands of the creator of the universe, money is a minor detail.

Two days later, I needed to download something from Itunes, for free, and couldn't.

"There was a problem with your previous purchase, Check billing info"

At first I thought, i just needed to reenter my card info because technology is stupid. Turns out the little prayerful miracle was a glitch in the system and now I owe Itunes money, therefore the apps and videos that I need, and could have gotten for free will now cost me the price of a JG EP. A price that I was certain was divinely handled.

"There was a problem with your previous purchase, Check billing info"

These words still haunt me and my iTunes to this day.

How could I have been so foolish, you need money to buy things. Duh.

This story, like many others thwarted my perception of prayer, so much so, I stopped believing it was necessary.

I mean, I could talk to God, because even though he played me he is still my best friend. Things that have to do with my overall salvation were cool to trust Him with, because He did save me from myself. However, small prayers and daily providence were things he just could not be trusted with. 

This small blip caused massive amounts of paranoia and placed me back on the fence. Coincidence and fate became my God.

Until one day, sunday to be exact, God poured into me such a heavy truth, that you'll have to wait till tomorrow to read about it.  

;)

.ALL THE FEELS!(and a Q&A)

I love the bible. I love the stories. I love the lessons. I love the personalities. I love everything about the bible, and I have always been an avid reader, Thus forming a lot of favorite texts. My most consistent favorite is found in 1 Peter 5:10

“…After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal gory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.”

For the longest time I didn’t realize this was a process, each verb a process, especially if I resist. It wasn’t something that would all cumulate over night.

I have suffered, felt like more than a “little while”, I have been restored, God is Currently confirming me, First through the words and actions of my very own funfabSAVED teammate(I won't share details, as to spare her embarrassment, it was EXTRA sweet.LOL!) and now through a dear blogging friend, Shaina, through the
Confirmation he is strengthening me and soon he will establish me.

About the confirmation though, last Thursday, My dear darling shai notified me that I was up for a leibster award. I didn’t know what that meant but I wasted no time calling up my team with morning breath and a voice of death to share the news.

Essentially, it is  a way to recognize and bring light to emerging bloggers with this accolade, and help grow readership. I am so grateful to shai for thinking of fun.fab.saved in such a positive light, and to God for sending an angel to personify his promise in 1 peter. I love how God uses even the smallest of things, things that I don't usually advocate to showcase his love. He's so legit, he really does think of everything. I just love him.

So! Let’s get to it!

JesiRae Facts:

1.) Im addicted to lipstick, I basically collect it. Most of them are shades of purple.
2.) I Got my license and bought my car so that i could sing and listen to whatever kind of music i wanted to. I annoyed my mom and my sister, with my music and singing. I was 18 and had little interest in actually driving.
3.)Im a homebody and a travel junkie. I love going out exploring, and I also love sitting at home in my onesie doing nothing. I don't get it either.
4.) I don't like taking showers.
5.) I brush my teeth a minimum of four times a day. Im kind of obsessed with teeth.
6.)If i could, i would live on a raw food diet, i plan on it as soon as i make my own money.
7.)I have a fixation personality. I will like something, become obsessed with it, and once im over it, im over it... forever. That's how i know if something is worthwhile, becasue it surpasses my obsession and lasts.
8.) I knew in 9th grade college was not for me.
9.)I watch pepper ann every morning.
10.)When I was younger  wanted to be a TV judge.
11.) In 11th grade I ran into a wall, split my lip in half, literally, got a concussion, but stayed in school until the day was over. idky. 

Shai's Q's A'd:

1.)Dream vacation? hmmm. scuba diving in the red sea with my [imaginary]husband. the sitting on shore with a Ted Dekker Book.
2)Favorite moment of 2012? Harris III and Jimmy Needham Called me on my birthday. and buying my domain and seeing my site come together.
3.)Favorite Song?  at the moment.... "popular song" by MIKA ft ariana grande
4.)Favorite thing about blogging? Definitely sharing my heart. I can be completely myself, and know that i will connect with at least one person. it's the coolest thing!
5.)Favorite Tv show? "Don't trust the b in apt 23"
6.)Dog or cat? *sigh*
7.)Siblings? 1 older sister. Lawren. Hey sister! || 2 older sisters. Hey shanty, and erica! Love you! (see, i have a heart!)
8.)Personal style? Lazy. accidental grunge.
9.)What am i currently reading? *jesus Juke* Judges.
10.)Describe funfabsaved in one word: Awesome! duh! lol.... seriously though... Unadulterated..
11.)Dream job? A Blogger/vlogger/homemaker(what is this the fifties?)

JesiRae's Noms. (show me where ya noms at. MDK joke. lame. ok. byee.)

- Krysten at every sincerely. She is honest and so encouraging. Like literally everything she says is hopeful. amazing
- Lil Becca at Discovering Delight. Seriously, Lil Becca is the most adorable human alive... like seriously, I wanna be her best friend. (that's not creepy)
- Chelle || writer yogi. Rachelle is like the green in my eye. She is a phenomenal storyteller and she is like a yoga yoda! Is there a better combo?
- Missy at MissIndeedy. Getting to know Missy has become the highlight of my year and she is quickly becoming one of my favorite people. Her writes is such a way that will slap you in the face but make you want to hug her for slapping you. You will glean a lot from her story.
-Jena Jrawkit. She is a poet. Not really a blogger but a writer non the less. She is awesome. you will love her.

 - Chyna Smith: She is a holistic health coach dedicated to helping others be the very best version of themselves possible. Check out her website/blog. Tell her I sent you, and possibly get a FREE consultation! 

JR's Q's for (EVERYONE) to A:

 1.) Super power questions. Duh. If you could have a superpower that isn't flying, reading thoughts, being invisible or teleporting what super power Would you have?
 2.)What album in your iTunes do you consider a timeless classic?3.)Indoors or outdoors: which is your favorite?
4.)What is your go to article of clothing?
5.)When/How did you meet your best fiend?
6.)Do you have any weird/hidden talents? What?
7.)What is one thing you want to learn to do this year?
8.)Which parent are you most like?
9.)Who is your favorite fiction author?
10.)What topic of discussion is most embarrassing for you to talk about?
11.)What is your favorite post on your blog(mine if you don't blog)?

Ok guys. Happy Monday!

<3 ∞

P&S: The Cherryminder.

Preface: I am not a professional, this is just my perception based on my experiences. Also, I will not be PC, Just letting you know:)

 Happy Reading.

Image by Jrawk Designs. 

I got weird with a guy in a waffle house at 2 in the morning while we ate waffles and hasbrowns. I was 20. I was sober. There is no real explanation as to why I did this, except I was dealing with some dark mental instabilities. Even still that is no excuse for such wretched behavior.

20yo JesiRae was a biological virgin, but in no way was she pure in the eyes of her savior. This Post isn't a message in the importance of purity, and all that purity entails.

This is simply a reminder to myself, who I used to be and the deliverance that comes with knowing Christ. We are not defined by our past, We can be made new in the eyes of christ. We are called to live a life honoring God, and with his help we certainly can.

Every now and again we just need a little reminder.

I will remain pure until forever begins...

...TIll then i'll patiently wait.

Food for thought: Scatterbrain addition.

This is an extremely impromptu post, and on so many levels the randomness of this post is representative of every spiritual lesson I am currently learning. Well, not really learning, but growing in.

 

As, I sit in my onesie listening to hannah montana, as any normal adult does, I began to think about my life and the year and this extremely heavy dose of ennui I've swallowed. I began to think about Rae's blog post this morning. I began to think about how much I was dreading to write articles that I agreed to write for a couple of magazines. I began to think about all the L's I've been taking in life. I began to think about How I was set up to read about Joshua and his constant winning. I began to think about How excited I was about my dreams just two weeks ago. I began to think how ready I am to quit all this chasing of dreams and go back to chasing money.  I began to think about the cloud looming over my head telling me I was wrong about this "taste and see the lord is good" pish posh.

How has my life changed,  so drastically so many times, yet nothing, and I do mean nothing externally, has changed. How am I a constant recipient of nothing?

Rae said:

My pain is rooted in the God honest truth about how I feel with where I am.I feel angry about where I am, because of where I am not and how I want to be where I see and deeply feel my life advancing... in my mind I’m seriously wondering What would have happened if Noah never built that crazy ark God told him to?

My Journal Said:

What do you do when the only person that is holding you back is God? What if the only thing seperating you from the life you know you should be living is God? Is he on some power trip? Why couldn't he just shut it down when the initial regret arose. Nothing makes sense.

That's when I realized something, something that no one ever talks about. When people are frustrated or discouraged we make futile, attempts to give hope to look ahead, because God will "never leave us or forsake us" blah. blah. blah.
That's stupid, and annoying.

I realized, through suffering and frustrations, We are connecting to each other. We are growing closer together which by default grows us closer to Him. We naturally assume that waiting and frustration is apart of life necessary to build our own characters but how often do we consider the need we as humans have for personable connections. A sad person doesn't want to hear about how happy someone is, no matter how christian they are. Maybe, just maybe, we go through times of waiting and frustrations to encourage each other. To connect with each other. To actually experience not being alone. Maybe God allows us to be frustrated and fed up to personify the promise of Deut31.6/heb13.5.

Because Seriously, God is legit. He really does think of everything.

P&S: Dial M for... well...

Preface: I am not a professional, this is just my perception based on my experiences. Also, I will not be PC, Just letting you know:)

 Happy Reading.

image by Jrawk Designs

As i sat down to write this, i began to do some serious second guessing.
Are we too old to be talking about this? Is this just a teenage issue?
Is my virgin showing? Has the rest of the adult world been here and also done it?

I don't know. I still see the question circulating, so scratch all those fore mentioned questions.


'Is Masturbating a sin?'
I roll my eyes every time i see this question.
I am so over this question.
Let's just be real, We may never agree on one indisputable answer.
Is there one indisputable answer?
While were busy trying to find it, we ignore the fact that they're are still tingles that need taming.
Contrary to popular belief the tingles don't always manifest from pornography, sometimes they just invite themselves to the pants party.(M&P is a whole different topic, a much more serious topic, one that i will not address today)

So,
What do you do?
Instead of walking into the realm of carnal uncertainly where your teetering on the fence of lustful perversions or simple human nature I think it best we take this question to our prayer closets or our sex yoda, because more than the matter of right and wrong it's about growing closer to God and honoring him with our lives.

In the mean and in between time, here is my [Practical]advice to soften boners. 

• Say a prayer. A real one. 
• Drink water. seriously, water cures everything.
• Journal. write, just write. whatever is happening in your brain, write it.
• Get outdoors. go for a walk or a run.
• Stay in fresh air.

Proven to work, or your money back.

guaranteed.

but don't tell me if it doesn't work, cuz then this friendship will take an awkward turn.

I am very interested to hear your thoughts on this subject.
Feel free to share.

Obviously I'm Naming This: "Lets Talk About Sex"

Preface: I am not a professional, this is just my perception based on my experiences. Also, I will not be PC, Just letting you know:)

 Happy Reading.

Image by jrawk Designs.

There is no real reason, as to why we shy away about talking about sex.
Everyone is always quick to say how personal it is, but no one seems to notice how selfish it is to be tightlipped about it. Now let's be clear, there is a difference between talking tactlessly and irresponsibly about sex, and simply being open and transparent about your experiences. I believe everyone, and I do mean everyone is called to live out the latter.

Here's why:

1.) We have a responsibility to the younger generations. No matter how old you are, there is someone younger. They will have questions, and you just may be the person they come to. Do you really want to regurgitate what was spoon-fed to you? Maybe you were given great advice, but maybe you weren't. We can't just teach people to lock it up until their married, we have to invest, advise and truly Guide.

2.)IMO: The first person you talk openly about sex and all that it entails should not be your partner. Ideally, it would be your parents, when you were 14, but sometimes that's just not possible, and other times it simply too late, we've now learned from experience. Even so, it is never to late to glean from the wise. There should be one human alive that you can fearlessly and shamelessly be open about your sexuality. 

3.)Open Dialogue with decrease sexual perversions(whatever that means to you). When you have someone you can openly talk to without fear of judgement, you won't be so quick to experiment, in anyway. Nor will you hide urges that can later manifest into something destructive.

All I'm saying is: Talk openly and responsibly. We can't progress if everyone is a prude.

<3 ∞

.two weeks notice.

I took two weeks off. 

Or at least I was supposed to. 

the plan was to unplug completely, from technology, from the constant pursuit of making a name for myself, form the constant need for social stimulation.

I couldn't do it.

Not because I am a typical middle class suburban adult who is permanently attached to my devices. 

I couldn't do it because two weeks off meant two weeks of not working. 

Two weeks of slacking, laziness and non production.

14 reasons my mother could throw in my face why I need to get a "real Job". 

For Everyday I am not 2 steps ahead, I feel like I am 14 steps behind.

I was supposed to take two weeks of, but I couldn't.

I couldn't take time away from something that makes me feel so much worth.
I lost sight of the passion God placed in my heart.

I all could think about was finally make it, I didn't question my dreams, I didn't question my call, I only questioned what was taking so doggone long.
I Lost sight of who God called me to be.
Ive never dreamed my dreams, so once i finally found them i held on to them with all my might.
I held on to my dreams, not my God.

While, I didn't completely unplug, I did take two weeks off. To rest in the presence of God,  to get me out of myself, and to refocus on the bigger picture. I took two weeks off to allow God to pour into me. I thought I couldn't but through him, I did. He shared some invaluable lessons with me that I will share with you at a later date.

<3 ∞

.Or AM I?.

I Love this. My dear friend Krysten, talked about Fear on her lovely blog and what started out as a response to a blog post, turned into.... this.  God Loves to do his own thing sometimes.

As I grow in christ I find my fears dissipating, as in I know very matter of factly that with God on my side there is no need to fear... anything, at all. So I often find myself boasting in the strength and fearlessness of the Lord! Literally, There is nothing that scares me. My motto is "aint nothing to it but to do it" also "Que Sera, Sera". In my mind and even my heart I am assured that With God Freedom to live fearless is a sure thing, nothing actually scares me. (except spiders and breaking wind in public, but those are irrational, and downright silly)

However, I never, and I mean N E V E R  stopped to take a beat & addressed, instead of ignored, a very deep rooted fear, one that I am often afraid to even think: The fear that God isn't real. I found myself living agnostically for the majority of 2011, and even tho I was in a dark place mentally quitting on God was the best thing that ever happened to me, seemingly anyways, I'd never felt so free in my life, I can't really explain it, Except to say I grew up in a christian bubble, not because of strict parents, but I seriously believed that i lived a life honoring Christ, I would be fulfilled and all my dreams would come true, and so I lived the life of a 'good christian" and  I ended up broke, depressed, suicidal and angry. So needless to say, letting go of system of beliefs was easy and comforting. What if I was wrong to let go of that life? what if I was wrong to chase God and my dreams? I've tried everything else, and that didn't satisfy me, but neither is this life I am living now? What if I was Wrong, God isn't real and I am just deeply mentally ill?

God Delivered me from all of that. He created a new me and a new life, a new dream and a peace of mind, so how/why do i allow this fear to creep up on me? How can I allow such a though plague every good and perfect aspect of God's Character? How can I have such an irrational fear? God is Real. He is very Real and alive and on the throne.

The word of God says: To take every thought captive and MAKE it obedient to Christ.

By taking control of every thought, you build up a filter, allowing only what is true to come in and enrich your life, you get rid of fear and every other lie the devil throws your way, you grow in truth, and you allow the truth to set you free!!!!

I'm still learning this, will you join me?

.The Broken Dam.

Sometimes I cry.

By nature, I'm not a crier, for tears are weakness, also they are pointless.

but still, sometimes i cry.

I see no growth through being over emotional, and tears get you no where.

yet sometimes i cry.

Lately crying is all I do, It's like 20+ years of not crying at all has built up and the dam holding my pride in tact has broken and released a waterfall from my face to the pages of my journal where I open my soul and beg and plead with no avail for a break through, from a God that promised me so much yet I see so little.

Sometimes I cry.

Becasue when I cry, I show a side no human has ever seen. I open my true self to the God who daily proves his love for me and gave up everything including his life to save me.

When I cry I don't cut. I don't binge. I don't purge. I don't restict.

When I cry I don't doubt, and question and curse my existence.

When i cry I don't wish I was never born, nor do I plot to reverse the life I've been given.

When I cry, I dont chase money, attention, or acceptance.

Sometimes I cry, becasue when I cry I heal.

When I cry I show a side of me a human has never seen, I open my true self to the God who daily proves his love for me and gave up everything, including his life to save me.

Sometimes I cry, because even though everything isn't perfect, my salvation makes it worth it.

<3 ∞

It's 2013. Where's my flying car?

Allow me to reintroduce myself. (did you read that as jay-z, cuz that how i said it.) 14 days into the new year and this is my first post. Typical JesiRae.

Disclaimer: this post may be a little scattered.

I haven't been slacking off, I have been enthralled with community and God and life and dreams. I've been on such a discovery of self and Christ that I'm considering renaming the blog: "Diaries of the hot tranny mess that is JesiRae's tragically pitiful life". It's been a great, and overwhelmingly enlightening 14 days.

How legit is THIS? Krysten is so major! Go be her friend!

- For the past couple of weeks I have been completely immersed in 'The kite Project' hosted by the divine creature of enchantment, Miss Rae Brown.
All the chasers involved in this project have left me speechless, there are just too many feels, and not enough words. The encouragement that you guys have given me, and the encouragement you share with each other is... *sigh* All I can say is God is doing amazing things through each and every one of you. I used to have sleepless night from fear of waking up, now I have sleepless nights because I am so excited to wake up. I literally am so proud to call you guys friends[wait, we are friends right? ;)]. I am rendered speechless. I keep making futile attempts to make words. Sometimes all you need is a community. Sometimes all you need is to feel heard. Sometimes all you need is someone to believe in you. I've enjoyed every moment of chasing along side you guys in this life, I am looking foreword to worshiping our King together in the next.

- Lately, due to my own insecurities I have been feeling like the inner city black kid who gets help to live out her creative dreams from a kind hearted white lady.(isn't that the plot of freedom writers? idk. haven't seen the movie.) I am so humbled by all the help and encouragement from my dear friend Sarah, I seriously do not know how to react. Go buy Sarah's Book. If you are between the ages of 5-99 there is no reason for you not to have it. Seriously, SHe is legit and her book will change your life, or at the very least enhance it. So go get it! I'll even let you borrow my copy. Just know that it's a resource you need on your bookshelf.

- What's in store for 2013? That's what this post is supposed to be about right?
Dream it. Write it. DO IT!
God Willing, I will be introducing new facets to fun.fab.SAVED!.

• Certified Fabulous.(or maybe we'll call it 'She's Too Fab!, whad'ya think?)
• Sunday's single sentence sermons.(alliteration, ftw.)
• Theme weeks. - One week, same topic.
• The fun.fab.SAVED store.
• E-series.
• Daily Devo's.

If you haven't already,'Like' my facebook page to stay updated with all that will be happening over the next few months! It's gonna be some exciting stuff!

Tune in Wednesday for your regularly scheduled programming.
I think that's it for today.

<3 ∞,
JesiRae